On the giving of compliments...

The first thing to know about a compliment, is that it is personal. The definition states that it is an expression of admiration or praise for a person, and by a person.

That is there are two people involved. The giver, and the receiver.

Each has certain responsibilities in the giving or receipt of the compliment, and either party can give the experience a push along in either direction on the scale of compliments from poor, to mediocre to life-changing. Although of course the main responsibility lies with the giver.

I think that compliments should be taught in schools. Compliments 101. The basics. How to give, and how to receive.

How to Receive
The most importat thing in receiving a compliment is to acquiesce. Don't fight it. This is for you, and you deserve it.

Consider the other person, and the effort, and perhaps uncomfortability they feel being brave enough to compliment you. They are the ones taking a risk, and putting out there they're feelings about you for you to accept or reject.

Compliments will build your self esteem, give you validation and a feeling of belonging.

Of course some compliments can be over the top, or have an ulterior motive but so what? Take it at face value, and always assume that the other person is genuine. By projecting that they are, it will encourage the other party to be so.

Never feel obligated by a compliment. A compliment is a gift, with no strings. Receive it as such, and never feel that the giver of the compliment is owed anything.

Never retaliate. I once told a singer that she had a great voice, and she actually retaliated with 'you have a great voice', despite not having heard me sing :). This is just a mechanism to reject the compliment in a pretty childish manner.

So be open, accepting, receptive and allow compliments to warm and enrich your life.

How to Give
The clue is in the title. A compliment is a gift. An act of generosity like any other.

And generosity has certain core principles:

First, a purity of intention. A compliment should come with no strings attached to it. With no expectation of reward in any form from the recipient. A pure intention could be for the well being of the subject of the compliment, because of your care for them and the identification of a need in them (and in all of us) to feel appreciated. It could also come from your recognition of your own need to feel appreciated, and the projection of that out onto all other people who are just like you.

Second, a sensitivity to the person and what it is that they need to be complimented on.

Third, a genuine appreciation for the subject of your compliment. Don't lie. If you can't appreciate the subject, don't try. In my experience though, if you take the time to observe, consider and understand a person fully there is always much to appreciate and worthy of your compliments.

Fourth, preparation. Think about what you want to say, and why, and where and when would be appropriate times and places to give the compliment. Will you write it down, say it in person, express it with an act or a physical gift to accompany it?

Fifth, delivery. There are lots of skills here, but fundamentally it comes down to your 'bedside manner'. Your delivery should put the person at their ease, and in a receptive mood. There should be time for the exchange, but no awkwardness or lengthy drawn out pauses. Don't launch into it directly, break the ice and share a chat or a laugh beforehand.

Don't expect anything from the recipient. If your compliment is rejected, accepted, slapped aside or any other reaction that is their choice, to do with your gift whatever they would like. You've given it with no attachments.



Compliments are one of the most heart-warming experiences you can participate in, as giver or as receiver. Go to it with a good heart.

It's True

I had a revelation this morning about compliments.

They could be made far better by keeping them free from attachment.

Consider the following scenario:
Guy walks up to girl, a stranger, and says 'You are simply lovely', then waits for her reply.

This kind of compliment is as far from being free of attachments as it could possibly be. It's filled with expectation, probably with undercurrents of fear of rejection. It demands a response which is also filled with expectation, which has to take into account the attractiveness of the guy, the girl's relationship status, and a myriad of other social norms in these sort of circumstances.

There might be no problem with that. Maybe it's even better than some alternatives.

But how about this alternative:
Guy walks up to girl, a stranger, and says 'I wonder if I could pay you a compliment, with no attachments?' She concurs and he says 'You are simply lovely' and leaves it there.

If you think about it, this second alternative is much less confrontational, easier to give and easier to receive. It takes away all of the difficulties of the first. Of course it still allows for a further conversation, just doesn't demand it. In case the girl wants to she can initiate something further, if she doesn't what harm has it done?

Did it cost anyone anything? Did it only improve both people? I think that it had little cost, and improves everyone.

Of course it's difficult to imagine this happening very often, and our expectations of each other will make this sort of interaction fraught with suspicions of underlying motives. 

What if we were truly able to free ourselves of these attachments and offer genuine compliments to one another without expecting anything in return? I think that could truly make the world a better place.